Here goes some of my Favourites:
- What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No. I go for the chandelier; it's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I love the cold. Thirty years later I get a postcard. I have a son. And he's the Chief of Police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.
- Now you may look around an...d see two groups here. White collar, blue collar. But I don’t see it that way. You know why not? Because I am collar-blind.
- Why can’t boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable?
- Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it and then you have to tame it. Keep it happy, care for it, feed it. Lovingly. The way that an animal deserves to be loved. My animal deserves a lot of loving.
- Yes, it is true…I, Michael Scott am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it and I am going to do it. I need a username and…I have a great one. Little Kid Lover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
- Did you know that ‘gay’ used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant ‘lame’. And now it means a man who makes love to other men.
- Angelina Jolie was on and she adopted a baby from Asia. And she said that changed her life and that really inspired me. So I want you to look into see how much a little Chinese baby would cost…
- I’m not offended by homosexuality. In the 60s I made love to many, many women – often outdoors in the mud and the rain – and it’s possible that a man slipped in. There’d be no way of knowing...
- When my mother was pregnant with me they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later they discovered that I had reabsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
- I lost Ed Truck and…it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears. And at the same time somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief-bone. And I’m crying and nobody can hear me because I am terribly, terribly…terribly alone.
- Bro’s before ho’s. Why? Because your bro’s are always there for you. They’ve got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho. And you told her that she was the only ho for you and that she was better than all the other ho’s in the world. And then…and then suddenly she’s not your ho no mo’.
- Hug it out bitch. That is what men say to each other after a fight. They hug it out and in doing so they just let it go and walk away and they’re done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman however. I have found it doesn’t translate.
- Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind – also, weak arms.
- I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose…and a panther.
- It’s a bold move to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski-trip with the real father. But then again, Michael’s a bold guy. Is bold the right word?
